Sunday, September 16, 2012

The New Luxury

It's been a while dear Blogosphere--long time no see.

Life has blown up, blown into pieces, and come back down again--a few times--since I last had the luxury to type a blog post, or even had time to write down my thoughts on something besides the back of an old envelope. Time is now a luxury in my newly minted life.

A friend says I have a chance at a "do-over." I like that idea. It really puts a fine point on looking closely at choices. Do I really want that in my do-over? Am I going to put up with that in my do-over? Of course, reality it is that I can't jump over a high board fence from the crash of my life into the do-over and expect everything to be, well, white-washed. I have no Bourne Euphoria opportunity at a new social security number and identity card to just leave the past completely behind.

The blown up pieces of life are still settling, too, putting a punch-in-the-gut perspective on luxury. Now, I understand it on a very different level as I watch my sister have the luxury of walking from her hospital bed just to the door and the gown they gave her before her emergency brain surgery stays closed in the back. Luxury

I feel an odd luxury as I drive my car through an ice cold Ozarks winter night, drinking in not only the heat of freshly-made convenience store coffee, but also the overwhelming mix of sadness and relief knowing that now there is no one waiting at home. This time I don't have to rush through the night--I can pull over and look at the brilliant points of light the stars make in the sky above the deserted Ozarks road.

Luxury is watching the Young One, who is almost a man, finally relax, able to make it through the holidays just the two of us now without the confusion and loneliness coming off of him in waves.

Luxury will be, someday, knowing who I can trust. So far, I'm still driving the 65 Impala of understanding that luxury of my do-over. The 2013 Audi of what will become of the idea of trust is parked where I can see it. I just don't trust the ground between me and it. Life's lessons have taught me well, I suppose.

I'm pretty sure its full of quicksand and rattlesnakes.

No comments: